Pet Rules
My aunt sent me this, and I thought I'd share . . .
*PET RULES*
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway/hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom/the end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine/feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
*_ To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets_*
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
*PET RULES*
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway/hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom/the end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine/feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
*_ To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets_*
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
posted by Callie | 8/31/2006 08:49:00 AM
10 Comments:
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
ha! I love that bit!
All true, very funny!
"Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep." My dog uses his entire weight to push ME out of bed!
My favorite is . . .
" I have been using the bathroom for years--canine/feline attendance is not mandatory"
Now, if I could only add the word "child" after feline, it would work on all levels . . .
My dog is always hitting me up for a loan...
My dog begins drivers training next week...
Friday night out catting around with the pack.
That is too damn adorable.
Though I'm not quite that fond of my cats. I mean their OK. My male cat is better than the female. At least he follows me around and knocks his head against mine every chance he gets. The female acts like I'm her servant. She also runs to the door to sneak outside at every opportunity, then immediately wants back in.
Dogs have Masters, Cats have SUPPORT STAFF!
Buddy's still around - much to everyone's surprise and amazement. He's still a butthead, and still gets introduced to the pavement at least once per week (sometimes more).
We have a Maine Coon who loves water, so if you don't latch the bathroom door before you turn on the shower, make sure you don't get in the way of the 18 pound blur of fur jumping into the tub to play "shower", one of his favorite games.
This is fantastic! I love it!
Thanks for the laugh.
Our cat Mimi, is very picky. She will NOT even think of drinking her water if its more than 1/2 hour old. When Leo came to live with us, we thought- good, he will not be picky, he was living in a garage for crying out loud. Maybe he'll show Mimi you can drink water that was put down fresh in the morning.
Well, a few days ago, Leo was sitting in front of the water bowl, meowing. This went on for about 3 minutes, until I gave him fresh fresh water. He drank.
I guess Mimi taught him that their humans will be molded to their needs.
Geesh.
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