Whole Lotta Trouble

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Location: Wheatland, California, United States

I'm a mom. I'm a civil servant. I have a sense of humor, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Sneaking Across the Border

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly .

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing reeducation camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

"I'll fight to the death for Fluff"

I couldn't believe it when I heard that quote. Aparently, the woman who made that quote was Kathi-Anne Reinstein, a Massachusetts state representative, and she's referring to the popular Fluffernutter sandwiches.

The whole fluffing thing started when local senator Jarrett Barrios' son was served a Fluffernutter sandwich at school for lunch. He became angry, and wanted to file a proposal to limit schools to serving Fluffernutters only once a week.

Do they have nothing better to fight about in Massachusetts? I mean - honestly! No crime? No infrastructure worries? Just . . . Fluffernutters.

Ms. Reinstein also asserts that she wants Fluffernutters established as the Commonwealth's official sandwich, which leaves Senator Barrios' aide to defend his boss as someone who "loves Fluff as much as the next legislator."

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Week In Review

Not alot happening - just work work, and more work.

I'm training another new girl at work. She's smart. Kinda reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on it. Don't you just hate when that happens?? Still working with the other girls in my unit, also. It's tiring. We have only one "seasoned" analyst. He's been there for years. I'm the lead analyst, and have the second most seniority on my team, and I've only been there for 10 months!!! And I have people from other teams coming and asking me questions! People who've been there longer than I have. It's completely insane. I mean - I've always been a pretty fast learner in most situations. But I never really realized how rare that is. It's not that they're not smart. I just think that they're too scared to make a decision that might be wrong. LOL. But, I'm enjoying it, so that's the important thing.

The kids are doing well. Hubby's doing well. Everything's pretty status quo.

Oh - I did the test that Penny did. It's pretty accurate. However - stupid blogger won't let me post it, so you'll just have to wonder . . .

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Happy Devil Day

A friend sent me this article, and I had to share . . .

HELL, Michigan (AP) -- They're planning a hot time in Hell on Tuesday.
The day bears the date of 6-6-06, or abbreviated as 666 -- a number that carries hellish significance.

And there's not a snowball's chance in Hell that the day will go unnoticed in the unincorporated hamlet 60 miles west of Detroit.

Nobody is more fired up than John Colone, the town's self-styled mayor and owner of a souvenir shop.

"I've got `666' T-shirts and mugs. I'm only ordering 666 (of the items) so once they're gone, that's it," said Colone, also known as Odum Plenty. "Everyone who comes will get a letter of authenticity saying you've celebrated June 6, 2006, in Hell."

Most of Colone's wares will sell for $6.66, including deeds to one square inch of Hell.
Live entertainment and a costume contest are planned. The Gates of Hell should be installed at a children's play area in time for the festivities.

"They're 8 feet tall and 5 foot wide and each gate looks like flames, and when they're closed, it's a devil's head," Colone told The Detroit News for a Saturday story.

Mike "Smitty" Hickey, owner of the Dam Site Inn, wasn't sure what kind of clientele would show up Tuesday.

"We're all about having fun here. I don't think we're going to get the cult crowd, the devil worshippers or anything like that," said Hickey, whose bar's signature concoction is the Bloody Devil, a variant of the Bloody Mary.

Colone, meanwhile, has been in touch with radio stations as far away as San Diego and Seattle that are raffling off trips to Hell in honor of 6-6-6.

The 666 revelry is just the latest chapter in the town's storied history of publicity stunts, said Jason LeTeff, one of its 72 year-round residents -- or, as the mayor calls them, Hellions or Hell-billies. But LeTeff wasn't particularly enthused.

"Now, here I am living in Hell, taking my kids to church and trying to teach them the right things and the town where we live is having a 6-6-6 party," he said.

According to the town's semiofficial Web site, there are two leading theories about how Hell got its name.

The first holds that a pair of German travelers stepped out of a stagecoach one sunny afternoon in the 1830s, and one said to the other, "So schoene hell" -- roughly translated as, "So bright and beautiful." Their comments were overheard by some locals and the name stuck.

The second holds that George Reeves was asked after Michigan gained statehood what he thought the town he helped settle should be called, and reportedly replied, "I don't care, you can name it Hell if you want to." The name became official on October 13, 1841.

Anyone for a road trip today? :-)